


Good Boy

by ReaderJane



Category: Stephanie Plum - Evanovich
Genre: Gen, Mild Language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-12-30
Updated: 2005-12-30
Packaged: 2017-10-06 10:17:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/52581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReaderJane/pseuds/ReaderJane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stephanie and Lula meet the Repo Elf</p>
            </blockquote>





	Good Boy

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: it's all Janet's

"I don't know why I agreed to this," I complained.

I was sitting in the passenger seat of Lula's red Firebird. We were parked across the street from the home of Darlene Kuchta.

"Because you're a good person who's always there for her friends," Lula replied. "And because your Visa is maxed out and you need your cut of Larry Kuchta's recovery money."

"I'm missing Macy's after-Christmas sale."

"It don't matter if your Visa's maxed out."

I sighed. Lula was right. Once again I'd fallen prey to Christmas spending, and I was desparate for cash. In my defense, I hadn't overspent nearly as much as my sister Valerie who had caved to her daughter's pleas and bought six months worth of riding lessons.

"Of course, I saw a bitching pair of shoes when I was there yesterday. They were your size, too. If you had those shoes, I bet Batman would come to his senses and beg you to move in with him. He'd probably let you use his credit card. Then it wouldn't matter that your Visa is maxed out."

"You already went to the sale?" It wasn't fair. I needed new shoes.

"My Visa isn't maxed out."

My eye twitched. If she said that one more time I was going to lunge for her throat.

"I have plenty of shoes," I said. "And Batman's lifestyle doesn't lend itself to relationships. It would take a miracle."

"Miracles could happen."

I snorted. Then I sat up. Pulling into Darlene Kuchta's driveway was a car I recognized. It wasn't her ex-husband Larry's car. This was a customized car. I knew that if I looked inside I would see built-up pedals on the brake and accelerator. A driver's seat raised to its maximum height. And a specially adjusted seat belt.

I knew these things because the car belonged to Randy Briggs, a vertically challenged computer programmer whom I'd tangled with before. I'd brought Randy in when he failed to appear in court after being charged with carrying a concealed knife. That charge had eventually been dropped, but our paths had crossed again last Christmas. Randy had helped me, however unwillingly, track down an FTA who might have been Santa Claus.

Now Randy was climbing out of his car. He was dressed in a red-and-green elf costume. His ears had latex points. He was wearing goofy shoes with toes that curled up. Randy squared his shoulders and marched up the sidewalk.

"What the hell does that midget think he's doing?" Lula wondered. "He better not mess up my bust. Larry Kuchta's due any minute to pick up his boy."

I opened my door. "Let's find out," I said.

Lula and I hustled up the sidewalk after Randy. We arrived just as he was pressing Darlene's doorbell. Randy turned to see who was behind him and grimaced.

"Keep away from me. If you touch me, I'll sue."

"Randy, what are you doing?" I asked.

"My job. What's it to you?"

"Who would hire you to play an elf after Christmas?" Randy turned back to the door without answering.

The door was opened by a boy who looked about eight years old. He was holding a wireless video game controller.

"Are you Billy Kuchta?" Randy asked.

"Yeah. Who are you?"

"I'm the repo elf," Randy announced. He shouldered his way past the boy. Billy must have outweighed Randy by twenty pounds, but Billy was too perplexed to protest. Lula and I followed Randy into the house.

At the end of the hallway was a living room. A tired-looking couch and two armchairs were grouped around an entertainment center, where the television showed a video game set on pause. A woman appeared from the back of the house. I thought she would demand an explanation, but instead she crossed her arms with a satisfied smile. "Oh good, you're here." Randy ignored the woman, pulling the television forward so he could reach the cables at the back.

"What are you doing?" the boy asked, starting to sound panicked.

Randy spoke over his shoulder while he unplugged the wires. "Your mother said you could have an X-box for Christmas if you got a B in geography."

"Yeah…"

"Santa got a call from your teacher yesterday, Billy. She compared your test with Anthony Miller's. Every single answer was the same as Anthony's. You sit behind Anthony. It wasn't hard to guess that you copied his test." Randy rolled up the wires and fastened them with a twist tie. "You're flunkola city, kid."

"He's a little cheater, just like his father," Darlene said.

"I didn't cheat!"

"What's the capital of New Jersey, Billy?" Randy asked.

Billy looked dumbfounded. "You can't take my X-box. It was a Christmas present!" His lip was quivering. In another minute he'd start to cry.

"Now hold on just a minute," Lula said.

Darlene Kuchta turned to Lula and me for the first time. "Do you work with him?" She nodded at Randy, who was tucking the X-box under his arm.

"We're bond enforcement," I answered. "We received information that Larry Kuchta would be here this afternoon to pick up his son. Mr. Kuchta missed his court date and needs to reinstate himself with the court."

"Figures," Darlene said sourly. "Like father, like son. Billy cheats on his geography test and Larry cheats on his taxes. He never kept his divorce court apointments either."

"Mom!" Billy's eyes were pleading.

Lula had her hands on her hips and her feet planted in the hall. "This ain't right," she announced. Everyone looked at her. The front door opened behind her. Past Lula's shoulder we could see a man in an overcoat.

"What's going on?" Larry Kuchta asked.

"The repo elf is taking my X-box!" Billy wailed.

"And the bounty hunters are here to drag your worthless ass to jail," Darlene told Larry. Larry's eyes widened. He turned on his heel and made for the door, but Lula was too quick for him. She grabbed the collar of his coat and hauled him back into the living room.

"I've about had enough of this," Lula said. She shook Larry. His teeth rattled. "This family is a disaster. You," she pointed at Billy, "are going to write an apology to your teacher, and when you go back to school you're going to re-take that test. You," she went on, jabbing her finger at Darlene, "are going to stop bad-mouthing your boy's daddy in front of him. And you," she gave Larry another shake, "are going to get yourself to the bond office tomorrow and show your son how a man takes responsibility for himself."

My mouth dropped open. This did not sound like Lula.

Randy had been waiting impatiently, one curly-toed shoe tapping on the floor. "Excuse me," he said. "But if Dr. Phil here is done, can I finish repossessing this X-box now?" He raised his eyebrows at Darlene.

Lula interrupted. "No you may not." She rounded on Darlene without losing her grip on Larry's collar. Darlene took a step back. I didn't blame her. Lula was fearsome. "What were you thinking, ratting on your own son to Santa Claus? Billy here don't get presents for being a good boy. Billy gets presents because his mama and daddy love him. Hell, I grew up in a crack house and I know that. What's wrong with you people?"

Randy rolled his eyes. Darlene looked embarrassed. Billy held his breath.

"I guess," Darlene stammered. "I guess he could keep the X-box." Billy let out a big whoosh of air.

"Then the repo elf can leave," Lula shot a meaningful look at Randy.

"No skin off my nose." Randy shrugged. "I get paid for my time either way." I glared at him. "Hey, it's a job." Randy set down the box and headed for the door, keeping Larry between him and Lula.

Lula released her grip on Larry's collar. "I better see you at the bond office tomorrow," she warned him.

"Sure." Larry looked like he'd stepped down the rabbit hole and still wasn't sure which way was up. "Billy, uh, are you ready to go?"

We left as Billy was reconnecting his X-box to the television. By the time Lula and I got outside, Randy's car was already gone.

"What was that?" I followed Lula to her car.

Lula huffed. "I hate when that happens. I sounded just like my granny. I could feel my mouth moving, but I swear it was her voice coming out. Gives me the creeps." She turned over the engine.

I buckled my seat belt. "Do you think Larry will really show up at the bond office tomorrow?"

"Hell, no. We'll have to track him down and cuff him."

"Miracles could happen."

Lula cut her eyes to me. "I need mall food. And I need some shoes."

"Want to hit the Macy's sale?"

She cut across two lanes, skating through a yellow light and ignoring the horns. "Damn skippy."


End file.
